Saturday, September 27, 2014

A Study in Contradictions

In my 35 years, I have realized many things – the most obvious being that life is a study in contradictions. I have learned that:

You can run a daycare out of your house and still have a beautiful home.

You can equally enjoy 90’s punk rock music and the Irish Newfoundland Show.

You can be a Mom to a child with special needs and still have a pretty awesome life!

You can be the Director of a non-profit organization and still rock a killer fashion shoot.

I have struggled with how to merge all of these pieces of my identity, and the only thing I can come up with is that they all will comfortably co-exist if I let them.. if I don’t fight them, or try to rationalize their contradictions.

Feeling like I have too much on my plate, yet feeling like I am not doing nearly enough.

Taking on the world, when some days all I really want to do is stay at home, cuddle my sweet boy and fall asleep to the rhythm of his breath.

Organizing events, writing letters, and scheduling meetings because I have to. Raising money, promoting change, and fighting for rights because I want to.

Caring and not caring.

Feeling confident and accomplished, positive and motivated, while at the same time feeling vulnerable and unworthy.

Being excited about the future but at the same time scared to death.

I am just as excited to receive a letter in the mail from CanChild Centre for Childhood Disability Research as I am to receive my monthly ipsy Glam Bag.

How can that be?

One thing I know for sure is that life is wild and rich and full of opportunities. The challenge can lie in recognizing those opportunities and grabbing on to them with all of our might. We can be a great many things. It’s what makes life interesting. It’s what makes us live beautifully.

How do people see me? How do I want to be seen?

I am a mother, a fighter, and an advocate for children with special needs.

I am strong and fun and cool and compassionate, yet vulnerable and insecure and constantly questioning my place in the world.

I have fun putting on high heels and a funky dress and pretending to be a super model.
I have just as much fun reading and reviewing research grant proposals.

This afternoon calls for the latter.

If anyone is looking for me, you can find me buried in a sweat shirt and yoga pants and a pile of scholarly papers.

See you on the other side!

"The goal is not to be loved and accepted by everyone. The goal is to continually become the person you yourself would admire and respect. Be the person you want to know and meet. Work every day to earn the love and appreciation first from yourself and second from those you enjoy and genuinely care about. Your worth and importance is your prerogative. You determine how beautiful you are. How brightly you shine is up to you." 

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