We are not sure what is going on with him, but for the past several months he has been having these periods of crying, screaming, and just general agitation that lasts for hours at a time. There doesn't seem to be anything anyone can do to comfort him. We change his position, cuddle him, pick him up and walk around with him, stretch him out on the bed and lie down with him. Nothing helps. He is not happy.
We try everything to distract him and entertain him. We read books, sing songs, play music for him. Still nothing. When he cries, it is not just a fussy little whine, it is an all out pain cry. I took him to see our pediatrician, who went through all of the basics.. checked his ears, throat, nose, heart rate, blood pressure and oxygen level.. all were fine. They did x-rays of his hips, chest and back.. all look good. We went to ENT, where they did a nasal endoscopy, but found nothing to be concerned about. There is no swelling or inflammation anywhere in his body, and his skin looks perfect. It is a complete guessing game at this point.
One of the most difficult aspects of Brennen's disability is the fact that he can't tell me what's wrong. He can't tell me how he is feeling, or where it hurts. Over the years, I have grown to understand a lot of his cues, but this time I have no idea what is going on with him. It is exhausting, and emotionally draining. I struggle to be patient and to hide my frustration. I can only imagine how frustrated Brennen must be, crying out for help and receiving none. Once again, I feel like I did when he was just a baby.. when he cried all the time, and nobody did anything to help him. They sent us home and told me that he would be fine. Well guess what?? He is not fine.
I am the type of person who wants to find answers and solutions to problems. One thing I've learned since Brennen was born is that there isn't always an answer. Dr. Buckley reminded me this week that we don't know why Brennen is the way he is. We don't know why he has CP, and I guess that not knowing will bring with it even more unknowns as time goes on. I have to accept that part of our life. Not everything is going to have an answer. Not everything is going to make sense.
It is just a natural maternal instinct to want to rescue our children and take away all of their problems. I will never be able to do that for Brennen. There are times when I feel I am doing all that I possibly can and there are times, like now, when I feel like I am failing him. It's funny how a (hopefully) minor setback can bring up all of the emotions from years ago, when we were first thrown into this world of 'disability' and 'special needs'. It's funny how months, even years can go by without a hiccup, with life seeming to be moving along just wonderfully, and then a few hard crying episodes can unearth all of those buried feelings.. more raw and more concentrated than ever.
I know that this is something we have to deal with right now, and I know that we will get past it. Brennen will be a happy little boy again, I have no doubt. I will do everything in my power to get him the help that he needs, and to love him beyond what any written words can describe.
Because I do love him. Because I am his mother. And because he is my whole world.